Day 5 – Juice Cleanse. Friday

Started the day feeling really miserable. I ended up bawling in the car on the way to work, although I’m not really sure why. I’ve had the chills in my stomach again this morning which I think means that I’ve realised some old emotion. I feel a bit brighter now, but still not right. I think my skin is 50% inproved which is good. People who have seen a lot of me recently think it looks better, but anyone who hasn’t seen me is still shocked. I’m very variable in my confidence levels at the moment. Some moments I am up, others I just want to hide from the world. I’ve been reflecting on what I want out of life and this current existance isn’t right for me, but I’m terrified of the changes I need to make. No wonder I’m paralysed and don’t do anything. I keep thinking if I had more energy I would be sorted. I keep trying to do that but hitting brick walls. Are those walls there to make me take a step back and reconsider, or are they the construct of my own fears. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do for the best.

Reading this back I’m clearly not applying the law of attraction very effectively! Right now what I want is to be acknowledged. I don’t think my friends understand right now what I’m going through. OK so I haven’t told them, all I’ve said is that I’m ill. Oh – wow. Last year when friend said that nobody understood what she was going through I got really annoyed with her! Again that’s interesting. I thought she was being really insulting and assuming that all of us lacked empathy with her situation which wasn’t true, we just didn’t want her to wallow. I was annoyed that she thought we couldn’t extrapolate from our own experience to hers and that’s what I’ve just accused my friends of. Funny I manifested that situation. So what am I supposed to learn from it?

I think I need to be more open in how I’m feeling. And I definitely need to be more postive and focus on what’s improving.

Technically it’s the last day of my fast, I will carry on at least another 2 days. I haven’t had much actual plaque out in the last 2 days, but I still think it is worth carrying on given that the redness in my skin has gone down considerably. I’ve been looking at the PATHS program that I’ve seen discussed. I wouldn’t normally believe in something like this, but it has been creating a wave of interest. I’ll think on it.

Day 4 – Juice Cleanse. Thursday

Struggled today emotionally, I felt down and deprived even though I wasn’t hungry. It possibly was hormonal as I’d forgotten that I was due on – not a good week to pick!

I’ve been having strange dreams. The dominant emotion is guilt and in the dreams I’m either doing something or have done something that i feel guilty about and I wake feeling terrible. In my waking life the dominant emotion is feeling deprived. I realise I haven’t got my head around the fact that 1 week isn’t enough to change for. I need to implement these changes for life and I’m stamping my feet in resistance. Ahh that’s interesting. Am I resisting the results as well as the process. Perhaps that’s why I’m not getting the results I want. Ha Ha! Was very gassy this evening, which often happens on the first day of the time of the month. I did a water enema to try to clear it out which helped a bit. I have to confess to cheating. Am kicking myself as I had some crisps and cake! I wasn’t hungry though which is what was so annoying. I’m not going to give up, I’m just going to put it behind me and carry on. It’s really important to me that my skin looks better by the time my mum comes next weekend. Writing this I realise that I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and it’s as if I don’t feel accepted if I’m not perfect. This has held me back a lot in my life. I need to find a way to address it.

The Pre-Cleanse. – Day 1. Saturday.

Went to my HypnoBirthing course today which was really good.  So wonderful that birthing can be calm and enjoyable.  Can’t wait to get out there and start sharing it.

Forgot I was supposed to be reducing my potion sizes of food and ate loads as I needed the energy!

This evening I had to decide how many ‘digestive stimulator’ supplements I needed to take were.  1 if your move your bowels more than once a day, 5 if you only move them every 5 to 7 days.  I took 6 on the grounds I haven’t moved them for a month!  I also went out for dinner and had spicy food so hope I’ve not done anything too stupid there!  Took the ‘toxin absorber’ before bed.  I think it tastes quite nice.

Did a warm water enema before going out and there wasn’t as much mucas released although the few pieces were bigger than before.

Had the most bizarre emotional release this evening.  I was watching the Spa of Embarrassing Illnesses on video, and the guy who had eczema was put in a mineral clay wrap and he was in agony.  It really reminded me of the time that I had a mineral clay float and it felt like my skin was being burned off.  All of a sudden I started shaking and making a noise that was somewhere between crying and laughing but no tears and possibly a bit like a donkey braying!  I must have been making this sound for a good 10 minutes, then suddenly didn’t need to do it any more and felt a wave of relief wash over me.  I have no idea what that was all about but I clearly needed to do it.

Is this the beginning of the beginning?

My package from detoxyourworld arrived yesterday – yeah!
I’m going to introduce each new food slowly as my system is a bit shot and I’m a bit jittery still about having an allergic reaction to a new food only 4 weeks ago.  If there are any problems I need to be able to trace it back.

Yesterday I had

Breakfast  Red delicious apple
Snack.   Green powder in water
Lunch.   Brown rice with grated carrot and parsnip that had marinaded overnight in a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar and hemp oil with walnuts and red and yellow tomatos.  The proportions were wrong, I’d put in too much rice (cooked) and not enough veggies, but still delicious.
Snack.   3 squares of the Intacta raw vegan chocolate (contains maca which was a bit concerned about as first time I tasted it I heaved – but I am delighted to report the chocolate was delicous and completely quelled my hunger pangs)
Dinner  Wasn’t really hungry after eating the chocolate so didn’t have a meal as such.  Had a cup of Pau d’arco tea which was really nice, it has a warm rounded flavour that doesn’t need any sweetening or enhancement.  I can definitely enjoy that medicine!  I can’t have it during the day as it needs to be boiled for 10 minutes and there isn’t a stove here (don’t want to use a microwave).  I also had half a carton of coconut water – mmm.

So apart from the rice and the black tea with milk (must give this up one day) I’m doing well on the raw pathway.  H had made lamb curry when I got home and I virtuously declined that and the raspberry yoghurt he’d bought me.  He was very sweet, he supports me doing a detox, but I give out mixed messages about what I am ‘allowed’ depending on my mood so no wonder he gets confused.

I still feel run down and so cold.  Am wearing a thick cotton top, warm fleece and padded coat to stop the chills.  It’s nuts!

Also yesterday David Wolfe’s Sunfood book arrived and I have started reading it.  The diet section is really interesting and he includes a lot of coaching / Law of Attraction information in it and how much easier it is to use the LOA when you are vibrating at a high rate from your food.  It is beautifully presented and the pictures are stunning.  It has suggested diet plans which are really useful when you are just starting out as it explains how to balance the raw food you eat so that you don’t get too much of any one type (sugar, fats or greens) and become unbalanced.

Refering to my request for clarity about my purpose, I had 2 conversations yesterday with colleagues about health.  Guess what, they are both suffering from yeast type problems including bloating, IBS, discharge etc.  Once had had her syptoms so long that she just thought it was normal.  When I insisted that it wasn’t she looked really surprised and said that she would now consider doing something about it.  Both are on the pill and take anti-biotics.  I wonder if this is my Alpha reflection.  It’s not the full manifestation of the request, but it is the indication it is on the way.  The message is that I have to stay on my path to heal myself.  I am absolutely convinced and determined that I will heal myself and it is only by succeeding that I will have the credibility to heal others.  As David says in his book

“To enlighten others we have to enlighten ourselves.  The best way to make others healthy is to become incredibly healthy yourself!”

What a wonderful purpose.  My goal is to achieve optimum health for myself so that I can inspire others to make changes to their life to be healthy.

Plans to help me are: 
1.  Look into ordering organic food via a box scheme.  (also need to find a strong lockable box that can go in the front garden to put it in)
2.  Do a week long juice fast – will book first week of April off as this is the first time I can take holiday
3.  Must send off my HypnoBirthing paper so that I can get my qualification (this won’t help my eczema but will help generate income so that I can be more in control of my life)
4.  Read the SunFood system and start implimenting the practice
5.  Take my ‘before’ picture
5.  Write my ‘before and after’ story.  Writing the before story will help me clarify patterns of thought and behaviour that have got me to where I am now.  Writing my ‘after’ story as though it has already happened is a wonderful way of harnessing the power of the Law of Attraction.  I’m really excited about writing this.  I’m going to mull it over for a few days so I can get the details as I want them and then start writing.  How fab!

I get the feeling that this is the start of a marvellous journey.

Lymph

Had a bit of a relapse overnight.  When I woke up my face was flaky again and after washing it went bright red (this didn’t happen on Monday).  I knew it was going to be bad as I had difficulty staying asleep last night.  My skin was oozing lymph and really itchy and I think I can feel pockets of lymph stuck in my legs and arms which feel good when I rub them.  This itch is deeper than skin level, it is inside my muscle.  I need to research more about this as I’m sure this is part of the problem and mucus forming foods just generate more of it.  I didn’t eat well yesterday and am paying for it today.  I’ve tried to make up by drinking my green powder today and even though I have the offer of a free sandwich based lunch, I have ordered a salad.  (ok so much of the salad is cooked, but it is better than cheese sandwiches!)
Still thinking about contribution.  The best contribution I can make is to get well so that I can help others get well.  For that end I need to be determined and stick to what I know is good for my health.  So often I just eat what is available rather than making an effort to ensure that I have healthy food.
My pH this morning was 6.25 which is still too low.  I measured my temperature yesterday and I can’t remember what it was exactly but it was well under normal.  I’ve very cold still and wearing my coat indoors as I can’t seem to warm up.
I had weird dreams last night again – this time a different ex-boyfriend.  The emotion in the dream was that I didn’t trust him and even though he was being nice to me, there was an obligation attached and the hint of menace.
God – what’s it going to be like when I detox proper!

Turning the corner

My skin made a dramatic improvement this week.  It’s still dry, but at least my face is a normal colour again.  My arms are almost normal from the shoulder to elbow, but still red between my elbows and arms.  I’m so pleased I’m visibly making progress.

My plans to increase the amount of raw food I eat haven’t exactly materialised and the weightloss has stopped now, although I haven’t gained back what I lost.  I’m eating tonnes of brown rice at the moment and green & blacks chocolate which I am craving at the moment.

I’ve also given myself 3 coffee enemas  over the last week and that has done me the world of good, clearing out a load of putrid stuff.  There’s still a long road to go down as yet though!  I ordered detox support pack over a week ago but it hasn’t arrive yet and when I phoned today it won’t arrive for another week!

I’m a bit nervous about doing a full on detox as I think that it might release some emotions.  I’ve started having a lot of full on emotional dreams about my ex and I think it is all starting to come out again.  It’s weird, I wake feeling this really strange yearning emotion.  I know it’s not him I want back, but I want that intensly pure love feeling in my life.   I wonder if the fact I’ve not committed to the detox diet as planned is my way of stopping these emotions surfacing in huge detail.  I’m really scared of letting these feelings go.  Lynne has said she will support me through this, like she knows what is going to come up.  It feels like if I let them go, I will lose them forever, even though I know logically it’s not true.

I’ve felt much more switched on at work this week than I have for the last year.  And yet when I look at it my intentions are all about what I can get from it, rather than what I can give.  I can see opportunites for me to be managing my own department within a year which would give me lots of feelings of status and importance that I haven’t had before.  When I examine my motivation for doing this it is the money and what I would learn that interests me, not what I can contribute to the other employee’s learning and development.  I feel quite small about this.  I want to be able to be able to say it is all about what I can contribute, but I can’t.  I feel a bit mixed up about this all.   I’m hoping this mixed up feeling is just part of me sorting myself out.  I want to change my polarity to one of contribution and giving.  Tomorrow I will look for opportunities of how I can do this.

The only way out is through

Have been sent home from work today as was just sitting at my desk shivering even though I had on a shirt, jumper, fleece and my coat!   My face is the size of a planet and bright red and so, so dry and cracked.  I’ve been wearing foundation to hide the redness, so it’s a relief to get home and get it off my face.

Yesterday I ate, 2 apples for breakfast, at about 10.30 I had the 2 remaining savoury slices from the weekend (mixture of brown rice, carrot, apple, sundried tomatos), for lunch I had a chicken salad and for tea I had steamed salmon with steamed brocolli, red peppers and carrots with loads of hummus and pesto.  I would have thought this was really healthy, but I have stumbled across a load of raw food sites which made me realise how little of yesterday’s food was raw.  Only the apple and some lettuce and tomato – everything else was cooked.  A few years ago I would have dismissed raw foodies as deranged fools, but I have to say, looking at the photos I want that healthy glow and lithe figure and the bags of energy they have.  I’m reading through Shazzies blog – she went through a body detox when she went raw – looks like the only way out is through.

My manager told me to go to the doctor – but what is he going to do?  I’ve gone before with similar symptoms and I got given either laxitives, steroids or antibiotics.  Now I know what the effect of each of those is I wouldn’t take them even if they were prescribed.

I haven’t felt like eating today, all I’ve fancied is warm water.  Previously I would have eaten to ‘keep my strength up’ but I think my body is just begging for a break and if it wants warm water, that’s what I shall have.

Knitting my own lentil sandals

Only a few days into my new health regime my skin has lost the red look, my stomach is less bloated and I feel lighter.  (Haven’t weighed myself as this isn’t about losing weight). On the one hand I am pleased that it is making a difference, on the other I’m annoyed that the advise I’ve had was that I didn’t need to make any dietary changes and I’m concerned that all I will ever do is cook.

I have eaten really well today, but I have had to spend a lot of time cooking.  (2.5 hours this evening, although that includes tomorrow’s lunch and dinner too).  I suppose I just need to get back into the habit of it.  I used to cook properly every evening and somehow got lazy and relied on quicker, easier food.  I have drank a large carton of goats milk already – which made me think that perhaps I was drinking more cow’s milk than I was aware of.

I did get some strange looks today at lunch when I sat down with my oaty soup with lettuce and seaweed side dish.  Reminded me of a joke about earth mother types that ‘knit their own lentil sandals’.   Please let this lead to clear, glowing skin soon.  Pretty please

Starting again – 30 day trial

I got really run-down towards the end of last year.  The hormonally intellegent plan went out the window, I found that all the protein didn’t agree with me.  My body struggles with digestion and all that protein was too much for me at this time.

For the last couple of days I have been on a strict elimination diet and feel so much better than I have all winter.  I’ve decided to continue with it as my skin has responded really well.  This isn’t a weight-loss plan anymore as now we are ttc there doesn’t seem any point worring about how much I weigh.  This is a health plan, designed to get my body the healthiest it can be and getting the best nutrition that I can.

This is the plan so far:

Fruit for breakfast and snacks for midmorning (up to three types, not mango, grapes or melon) .

Absolute elimination of: wheat, cows milk, sugar, yeast, vinegar.

Organic meat twice a week, non-toxic fish three times a week. Two vegy days per week.

I bought ‘Cooking Without’ yesterday and am making lots of lovely food from that.

On my skin I am using in the shower a mixture of table salt, honey and olive or hemp oil.  Afterwards I am using a mixture of 90% hemp oil 10% beeswax.  It is helping to keep my skin smooth and doesn’t itch the way parafin based products do.

Hydrogen Peroxide – the results

The day after dripping acid in my ears I felt much better – about 70% improved.  My eyes had cleared overnight and the pain in my jaw had gone.  My nose was still a little blocked but I felt so much better.  I’d never had resuls that quickly before, even from antibiotics.
I repeated the treatment the next night and felt even better the next day although still had a slightly blocked nose.
Today I woke and still have slightly blocked sinuses and will repeat the treatment again later tonight.  I am really impressed by the treatment and would definitely recommend it especially in cases where you can catch it early.  It is so much better for you than taking antibiotics that disrupt the body.  Hopefully by removing the bulk of the infection, my body will now fight out the rest.